Moments of Breathlessness

There have been moments where I ache, moments that I have no desire to do anything, but the moments that truly get me are the ones where I can catch my breath. This happens generally when the emotions and reality hit all at once which is usually when I want to share something with Dave, even as mundane as how my day was. In these moments all I want to do is drown sorrow and the last thing I want to do is focus on the happy. In these moments all I truly feel would fix it is an entire cheesecake or bottle of wine. When these moments happen I reach out, I cry, I sob. I try and remember that 13 years doesn't disappear in weeks and to try and give myself a break. I don't have to be happy all the time, I don't have to smile every minute, but what I have to do is grieve.

So I let myself cry. I let myself be sad for what is gone and what I can't share, but I don't let it consume me. I don't let myself drink or eat the sorrow away since I know that it won't really help or make me feel better and what it will do will make things worse.

The moments of breathlessness allow me to remember to grieve, remember that life has changed but most of all remind me how much I loved Dave and how much I was loved by him.