A glimpse into my thoughts...

"Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would, I'd never leave." -Winnie the Pooh

Ironically, our relationship started with funny meaningful quotes from Winnie the Pooh. Dave often referred to me as his "poohbear" and he was definitely an Eeyore. This quote used to mean something different. When Dave moved out to Vancouver I knew that he would never forget me. Now I am realizing it was not just his love for me that caused him to remember but also his love of friendship.

My husband is now dying and well before his time in my opinion. As much as I look at what was left "undone" in our lives I can equally turn and look at what was. Yes we had only 6 married years and 13 years total together(and it definitely isn't enough) but the life that we lived in that time was filled with joy and passion. When I think of the third child that not only I wanted but Dave wanted as well I see that we have already had 2 amazing kids and you can just see Dave shine through them. What an amazing gift. I am so grateful for being not only his friend but is wife and life companion.

My husband is dying and he is doing the best he can. In his time of suffering he is still being an amazing husband. He wants to provide for me and make sure that I will be okay, as well as the boys. Yes, sometimes this doesn't come out quite clearly but I know what the intention is. For mother's day, he got me a ring to symbolize the love and the life that we had together.(He did have some help) So in the moments where he asks me to leave and not come for awhile I try and remember what I symbolize to him...The life that he wanted and doesn't get to live. Dying is hard, so hard.

My husband is dying and my heart aches. There are a dozen different ways to compartmentalize what is happening in my life. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and scared. I truly am getting through this with the grace of God and his strength. God has placed me in Dave's life, what a great life to be placed in. Dave surrounds himself with amazing people and therefore by default I got to know some great people. The people in our lives are the ones that God is using to carry me. There are moments that my heart aches so much that I have physical pain in my chest. It is like I can feel my heart breaking. This I know will partially heal with time, but Dave will always be with me.

My Husband is dying and my life is going to change. Dave is going to a much better place and for this I can be comforted. This comfort does not replace the fear, uncertainty, and sadness of starting a new life with out the man that love and wanted to share the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, when Dave's life ends mine will continue. I will become a widow and a single parent. The scary firsts are starting and will continue for sometime to come yet.

My husband is dying and I am going to miss so much. Dave has a unique character and the world is definitely a better place with him in it.(I might be biased but I also think how much Heaven is missing with him here!) Many people will miss many things but there are few that I got to myself. I am going to miss the way he would kiss me when I was babbling and not making sense. I am going to miss hearing is unusual way of telling me that he loved me...it was never just 'I love you'. I am going to miss his passion for food(I don't think my waist line will though). I will miss the weird movies and TV shows that I would be 'forced' to watch. I will miss the lazy Saturday mornings of coffee and crepes with the boys. His inquiry questions like "If you were to dye your hair a crazy color what would you dye it?". There is so much that will be missed.

My husband is dying and it is hard. Somedays it is hard to breath. Somedays it is hard to think. Somedays it is hard to function and get out of bed. Somedays it is hard to laugh but also hard to cry(sometimes there are no tears left). But I move past the hard, unfathomable things because Dave gives me strength to continue. I need to continue for him. I need to continue for the boys and I need to continue for myself. I will come through the other side and I will have a hole in my heart for Dave. This will never go away but it will get easier, I hope.